Honest Prayers

So, I've been praying for a long time.

I was raised in the church and had a great community keeping me up throughout life and even after graduating high school when my parents encouraged me to find my own church, I continued to grow in my own faith.

Anyway, I've always had problems praying. Or focusing on praying really. I get so distracted. I get caught up in what I think I'm supposed to say, and then my brain wanders off so before I know it I'm making to-do lists instead of talking to God.

But lately I've been just praying exactly what I'm thinking and it started with this:

I'm walking in DC on the way to church. Bryan's church. And I'm nervous as heck (more on that in my last post).

I feel myself breaking down already, so I pray "God, please let me keep control."

And I swear to you, I heard Him laugh.

Immediately I chuckled a little, "You know what I mean, keep control of my emotions."

"You really want to keep control of anything when you can give it to Me?"

Yeah, you know... just walking down town. Chatting with God.

I know that sounds odd, but I've never had a candid conversation with God before. And when I finally did, I HEARD HIM.

Honesty, God likes it.

I've been continuing it too! Like last night, I wasn't sleeping. Just tossing and turning and thinking about the only thing that seems to run in my head lately, my now failed relationship. And I was upset.

"God. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't he be passionate for me? Or why couldn't I accept what it was he wanted to give me? What was so wrong with that? What was so wrong with me?"

And then I heard Him whisper, almost apologetically. Like a parent who has to do something for their child they know will hurt them.

 "That was Me."

It was like the world crashed. I've been told more times in the past few months than I can count "God is jealous, and He won't let you feel whole from anyone else if you're not whole in Him first."

But to hear it directly from Him made it so obviously real.

And then I reached a little forward.

"Is this You too?"

I was referring to this new source of joy in my life. This very basic form love and comfort I've found and have been hesitant at perusing.

It's not like it's a bad thing, far from it! But I rarely trust my own emotions (obviously) and so I wasn't sure if going in this new direction was of God or if it was of my own, selfish creation.

"That was Me."

Only this time, it sounded like it was said with a smile. As if I had found a surprise and He was so excited I had finally discovered it. I immediately broke down (and I'm tearing up now) because even though I wasn't asking God for it, or even looking for it, He had gotten it for me.

I don't deserve it! But I'm going to cherish it as the gift it is, and take out any selfishness I've already put into it and turn it toward the path it was intended, because it was good.