Breaking up sucks...

After not blogging over a month I would usually start a new one with "I am a terrible blogger". Which is true... But in this case I didn't blog because I didn't know what to say.

Should I pretend that everything is fine and continue with my normal funny (read: I think is funny) photo challenge? Or should I address the fact that Bryan and I broke up?

And is that even appropriate? I mean I don't think it would be right to sit here and tell everyone the intimate details of our relationship, but is it also fair to give you the watered down version of it? 

I don't know. So I'm just going to respect his privacy, but at the same time type from my heart and what's been going on in my head.

Breaking up sucks. 

Bryan was my first real relationship, not to mention the longest. I know to some people being together three years isn't a lot, but it was a lot to me. You can build so much with a person in three years without even knowing it. 

For goodness sake we were talking about getting married next year!

That's a huge commitment. 

And even though we both knew it was coming, it's still a shock.

It's like... "Now what?"

Where do I go from there? It's so hard having someone there, every day for three years and then all of a sudden it's nothing. I don't know what's going on in his head. I don't know what he's doing. I only get snippets from the internet.

(Which is more than people used to get, I know. Don't go all "walk up hill both ways" on me.)

And then after the shock wore off I realized I had to start over.

Not in a new relationship, but in life. I had built so much with Bryan that I looked forward in time and realized that the next 5 years of my life that I had planned with him were gone and it was full of nothing. 

And that's when all the hurt comes. 

The trips we planned, the families we had come to know and love, the dream wedding, the kids names.

Gone. All gone. Realizing that I had to walk in this world without him anymore... 

And that's when the guilt comes in. Because, in all honesty, this breakup was my fault.

In the end it was mutual, but I was the one who started it. I was the one who realized how unhappy I was and I broke his heart.

And then even more guilt pours on because I should have seen this coming! I should have realized. Then I look back and see all the stuff I missed. All the things I could have done to save it, right next to all the things that were bad and building up to this end.

This back and forth between pain and guilt and loss is so draining. And I'm just trying to make sense of all of it. Trying to find some sort of pattern to break or a fix. These words are just a fraction of what has been going on this month and a half. I've been letting it run over and over in my head just trying to get it to make sense.

And then the worst thing happens: things start to get better. I realize that this is really better for us. Now we can both truly be happy and not just content. That starting over a new life is exciting and adventurous.

And then I crash again.

Because I realize how much I've lost. And this goes on and on. Sometimes more than once in a day!

It's exhausting.

But the worst part of it all is the fact that I miss going to church.

I say I haven't been because I'm busy (and I am), but I'm terrified.

That was his church long before me and I started coming with him. I only just made it my home church less than a year ago and now I don't know what to do.

At first we were thinking that there are so many campuses we don't have to see each other, but he plays for worship team and that's difficult. 

Now he says it's okay if I'm there even if he's playing. But I don't know if I could go through that.

I only just started getting to know everyone, and they're all his friends. I'm not saying they will all shun me or anything, but it's still so lonely.

Who will I sit with? Who will I talk to? Will anyone I knew talk to me out of loyalty to Bryan? 

Church is a safe place, but people are still human and I'm sure some people have negative feelings for me  because this breakup was my fault.

It's just so hard to realize how truly disconnected I am now. And terrifying to think that I'll have to face it alone.